My juicing fast in three acts

(All scenes to take place in 1’s apartment.  All dialogue is half-assed british accents to accentuated the half-assed olde english.)

(Enter 1 and 2, holding a food processor)
1:  I say, I am so glad that we have purchased this food processor.  I henceworth name it Sir Percevick Thoroughbred, a man’s man’s kitchen utensil.
2: Oh, 2, your navigation about the kitchen is both sensitive and manly.
1: I daresay I do feel manly.
2: Yes, manly indeed.
1: Hmmm, yes.
2: Let us engage in other manly deeds.
1: Such as watch a movie about juicing?
2: Ooo so manly.

(1 and 2 watch the movie “Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead”.)
2: This was marvelous!  I propose that we engage in our own juicing ‘fast’.
1: That was a rather manly suggestion.  I agree!  Let us purchase a juicer and begin our own 5-day juicing fast!

(Enter the Juicer)
Juicer:  Greetings!  I am the least expensive juicer you can purchase that will also extract some modicum of juice from your fruits, vegetables, and wo, even nuts!  I am Bre-Ville!
1 and 2: Bre-Ville! Huzzah!
(Enter and exit a parade of fruits and vegetables.  The sweet potato remains on stage, looking ominous)
Juicer: As part of your fast, you will enjoy five juices a day plus a coconut water for a morning snack.  Each juice batch will take approximately 30 minutes to prepare. You will need a ridiculous amount of vegetables in stock.  For instance, you will each consume approximately 2 bags of kale each day.  Your grocery bill for three days will be $200.
1 and 2: Bre-Ville!

(1 and 2 prepare a juice.  The words “Day 1” flash in the background.  The sweet potato stands in the background, still looking ominous)
1: To our first juice.
2: My, it is very green.  I am weary of very green juices.  They tend to taste like wheatgrass.
1:Pip-pip, on the three.  One, two, three.
(1 and 2 drink their juices)
1: Mmmm, it tastes pretty good, mostly like apples.
2: Yes, I see many apples in our future.
1: The manliest of fruits.
2: Hmmm, yes, I agree.
1: Manly.
2:  I feel fantastic, and motivated.
1: Agreed.  To Bre-Ville!

(The words flash “Day 2”.  1 collapses, 2 runs briefly off stage and returns)
1: Uhg, I feel awful.  No more!
2: Carry on, 1!  Else we must begin again!
(1 rises)
1: Where were you in my hour of need?
2: I was in the bathroom.
1: Again?
2: Yes.  My determination is strong.  As are the demands on my bladder.  To Bre-Ville!
1: Bre-Ville!
2: Now, we must make haste to the theatre.  There is not much time for dinner.
1: Oh wo, our dignity must suffer as we indulge in “chugging our juice”.  What performance could be of such importance to give us such forlorn-ance?
2: The Muppets Movie.
(1 and 2 chug two full glasses of green juice)
Juicer (offstage, I guess): Beware!  Chugging juice will lead to nausea most foul!
(1 and 2 collapse)

(The words flash “Day 3”. 1 rises)
1: Amazing, I awake refreshed each morning.  The juicing must work!  That or the fact that we are so tired by the end of the day that we are dead asleep by 8.
2: Uhg!  I feel awful.
1: Prevail, 2!  We are nearly half-way to victory!

(The words flash “Day 4”.  2 rises.  The sweet potato steps forward)
Sweet potato: Drink upon my juices and despair.
(1 and 2 collapse.  Exit sweet potato)
(And some other stuff happened but it was all kind of a blur)
(End Scene 2)

(Scene 3)
(The words flash “Day 5”.  1 and 2 rise.)
2:  The final day, let us enjoy our final juice!
1: Nay, I am sick of this filth.  While the juices were delicious just one day ago, the knowledge that delicious, solid Thai food is just mere hours away makes me stare at this concoction with disgust.
2: Hold fast!
(2 picks up a suitcase and begins to exit stage)
1: Where are you off to?
2: I travel to Whistler!  I maybe should have foreshadowed that or something earlier on, but oh well.
(2 exits)
1: Oh, Bre-Ville!  What misery have you given us?  What carnage?  I see mounds of pulp, leftovers from the juicing.  The volume of wasted food is atrocious!  I cast ye into exile.  Away, Bre-Ville!
(Enter Juicer)
Juicer: Beware, man.  Your stomach has shrunken over the last five days such that you will not have space to complete a single meal!  Then you will cry for my return.
(Exit Juicer)
1: (sobbing) Bre-Ville!  I am still manly!
(curtain falls)

Hello? Where have you been?

You guys!  There’s been so many things that have been happening these last few months.  For instance:

  • I went to Dubai!  Dubai sounds like one of the least interesting countries to go to in the Middle East because it is essentially only 65 years old and is only significant in that it has gobs of liquid cash.  But it is also one of the safest places to go to out there and the beaches are so beautiful.  Also you can eat huge loaves of Afghani bread (taste like pancakes) and samosas filled with fried onion.
  • I stayed at the Fairmont Hotel in Whistler!  For a conference.  Holy shit guys, this is the best Fairmont I’ve ever seen, and the best hotel I’ve ever stayed at.  It had four huge hot tubs, three of which were outdoors.  That’s one more than I actually need!  Plus it was right besides the chair lift to Black comb, which was still open in early May.  Speaking of which.
  • I got through some terrain parks at Whistler!  The jumps are crazy huge and this was my first time trying to session those slick white boxes.  It actually turned out really well, so I can’t wait to try it some more next winter.
  • I went to Florida!  I get owned on crazy rides, and Universal Studios has them in spades.  But by the time we made it to Disney Land’s Space Mountain, I felt like king of the world.
  • I got engaged!  No matter how ready you are, your heart will be running a hundred beats per minute when the time comes.  That’s just a fact.
  • I’m dancing in a show!  At the Norman Rothstein.  We performed tonight and will do so again tomorrow.  We were learning new choreo 20 minutes before the show started, and never got a chance to even space it out all together on stage, so it was pretty rough.  But man I love being on stage.
  • I presented to the City of Parksville and Nanaimo.  I don’t know why, but I was more nervous presenting to a dozen people and two mayors than I’ve been when presenting to a hundred non-political people.
  • I bought a ghetto bike!  New respect for people who bike in North Van all the time with all its hills.  My legs and my butt take turns being sore for the day.

I’ll try to write about some of these things in detail, at least little anecdotes, but for now let’s mention the book the Kite Runner.  When reading it, one that thing that struck me was that whenever something joyful happened in the protagonist’s life, it was always accompanied by some tragedy, so the joy was always bittersweet.  I’m encountering that right now.  My mom has been diagnosed with a brain tumour.  I don’t have the mental faculties just yet to describe how quickly our lives have changed with its development or how it has impacted us emotionally.  She’s in the hospital tonight and I can’t even finish these sentences.

Joy can be bittersweet.  But life is beautiful.

I assume when 5 girls link arms and cover Granville St. sidewalk that they want to play red rover so don’t act all shocked wen I break a link and take a player
Carlo Atienza

Old movie reviews I found in my email. Did I post this earlier? I hope not.

I’ve seen a few movies recently – the joys of travelling and having one of the City’s last remaining movie rental stores nearby – and I thought I would share my thoughts:

Immortals: This is a brilliant movie, and by “brilliant” I mean “let’s take the movie 300 and get rid of that whole ‘writing a story’ bit”.  I sometimes felt like I was watching an old comedy movie that tried but just wasn’t very funny.  However, it did serve very well as an educational video.  Here is what I learned:

  • If you want to be evil, make sure that you can explain why you’re evil in a short, concise sentence that doesn’t make any sense.  (Suggested example: “My parents bought me generic “Slam’n Jam” shoes instead of Nikes when I was kid, thus I must build the largest robot and sink Hawai.”)
  •  As you introduce yourself to new people, make sure to incorporate this motive early on into the conversation.  (Suggested example: “These cheese puffs are delicious!  Know what else is delicious? My parents bought me generic “Slam’n Jam” shoes instead of Nikes when I was a kid, thus I must build the largest robot and sink Hawai.”)  Adding your motive to your business card is considered cheating, but may help.
  • While you’re at it, make sure you are constantly eating messy, juicy foods. Juicy slobber = SUPER evil.
  • Apparently the term “Titan” does not mean “big” or “giant”.  It means “black savage”.
  • Pacifism means you’re a pussy.  And you’re wrong.  Oh, and you’ll die.  Or it means you’re a woman.  Which means that you’ll most likely die.  And that you like to make out with your lady friends.

 50/50:  This was touted to be a good movie…but felt like every other shitty movie starring that fat fuck..what’s his name?

Stick It: There is nothing remotely awful you could say about this movie.  Brought to you by the makers of “Bring it On”?  Starring Jeff frickin Bridges?  The only way this movie would have been better is if they gave you a complimentary shirt that says “Believe in your dreams” on it before you go watch it.

I’ve always been interested in graffiti as an art form.  I love the loud styles of the writing, and I love the distinct appearance of figures and cartoons that are undeniably rooted in the graffiti culture.  Recently I’ve become intrigued with street art using stencils.  I have been warned that this is a very messy art form but I am looking forward to figuring out what I am capable of. 

There’s a film called ‘Graffiti Wars” that highlights that there is a difference between graffiti and street art, and a lot of contention between the two styles.  The most significant difference is that a graffiti is criminalized in most cities, but street art from people like Banksy will be protected and in some cases restored by the municipality.

I think another area of concern when it comes to street art is that a surprising amount seems to be come from plagiarized art.  The video linked to above focuses on one photographer’s surprise and frustration that a series of screaming self portraits have essentially been stolen from him and profited from.  I like how he is not so bothered by their use in street art, but is justifiably upset that people are profiting off his work without so much as acknowledging the original creator. 

While it is always pathetic to see people profit off of someone else’s artistic work, I will say that when I am watching these types of videos, I am always amazed at all of the places the street art and graffiti shows up.  That takes guts that I don’t think I have.

Still a great song to dance, albeit only for a short amount of time. I was listening to this while make chocolate chip cookies today, and I learned something:  There is no reason to use mint-flavoured chocolate chips.  Ever.  They will make delicious cookies into a gross over-sweetened mess.  But maybe that’s a good thing: stare the wickedness of cookie-eating right in the face.  It’s kind of like “Super Size Me”, but shorter and less health-threatening.

Evil Needle - Week 6

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An experiment in anonymity, narcissism, and tangents. One year, a hundred unrelated interests, one lousy camera, and a nice pair of jeans. Come join me on this journey.

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